Prospectus, www.tqrstories.com
Dear Investors,
And I address you as such because you are investing perhaps your most valuable commodity -- time -- to sample here what we have deemed fit for your consumption. No small consideration when frivolous dispensation of your time is one of the leading causes of Total Quantitative Faculty Burnout, otherwise known as TQFB or Total Quim F-ing Blarney by the younger generation. This has been proven by our science officers, in double-blind studies vetted by (none other than) the great grand niece of Abraham Maslow. TQFB, if left untreated, will cause long term bouts of catatonia and/or dementia and/or the purchasing and, inevitably, the playing of -- Sweet sister Mary Mother of God say it ain't so! -- the deluxe Pat Sajak home version of 'Wheel of Fortune.'
TQR staff are dedicated to helping you avoid this sinister fate or similar debilitations (random digital mucous extraction and clandestine mucous consumption and obsessive thumb rotation leading to repetitive twiddling disorder, etc, and so on) by endeavoring to ensure your time is only invested in the very finest of capital gains. 'Capital,' as we here at TQR reverently call it, in the form of stories. Though counterintuitive to the modern day idea of what constitutes capital, we see stories as the only form of currency that have consistently retained their value since the dawn of Man. And, (despite the invidious sway of the genus exampled by The Donald, Parasite Hiltonicus and the legion of other pop culture planaria that have lately invaded the collective consciousness of society at large) we are confident, that even up into this present day there is still that small, certain voice crying out for the effervescent catharsis only the finest of stories can bruit to bloom within the heart.
Stories like the first Papa, Og, grunted around the cave fire before the hunt, from which they knew some of them would not return; like Homer told of gods and men and the tragic consequences of the one confusing themselves for the other; like Mallory translated onto debtor's parchment from half-remembered myths and chanson de geste of knights and dragons and damsels in distress, as he languished inside the walls of prison; like Hemingway of his heroic submarine countermeasures aboard the stout Pilar in the deepest blue waters off the coast of Cuba, that he would peck onto stiff typewriter keys the next morning, despite the heaviness of his hungover brain.
From oral tradition passed down each generation, then scored into stone, stylized onto paper and finally pixellated onto a screen, the evolution of how stories are told and received has changed with the changing technologies. Yet, today, even though the Web reaches into more homes than there were citizens of Rome at its height of glory, electronic publishing has not yet fully embraced the story. It is TQR's solemn mission to see this change.
Through layouts that eschew the confounding scroll downs that are the bane of anyone who's ever tried to read on the Web, TQR proposes to mimic the experience of reading from a paper page -- while the text is still displayed on screen -- that the need for a printer and sheaf of papers will be gradually weaned from the habituary glands of its investors, and eventually forgotten. By this process, TQR will optimize the unlimited potential audience available on the Web, not to mention save some trees.
Lastly, TQR believes the best investments are those whose capital gains are mature and long term. The single-paragraph shorts seemingly invading every e-pub do not excite the investment managers at TQR. The material glut precludes the possibility of expanding markets, owing to the fact the saturation point was reached sometime back in 2001. TQR has faith the implementation of its page-by-page layout system -- wherein the page numbering systems make it simple to log out of a story and return to it hours, days or even weeks later and start exactly where you stopped reading -- will naturally liberate people from this pointless conditioned response. They also have faith in the superior quality of the fiction their capital managers will liberate from the slush heaps of history.
Verily, it is TQR's aim to publish stories of no more than 12,000 words and no less than 4,000. While this is, indeed, hubris intended to prove the page-by-page layout capable of holding an investor's attention over the long haul, it is also in response to the dearth of anything longer than 4,000 words on the Web. The market for the long story on today's Internet is wide open and is, in essence, a virgin ripe for the pillaging, and one the managers at TQR -- if you will pardon the redundancy -- plan to plumb to its deepest and most subterranean depths.
If you invest in TQR once, it is management's sincere belief that you will no longer continue to invest because you want to, but because you have to. The choice will no longer be yours. This investment will become a compulsion you will never again be able to willfully control. TQR has planted an anomaly in the elegant avenues of the Information Super Highway, a merciless and benign cancer that has already begun to metastasize and make crooked what the once impervious gods in the machine had originally made straight. Chance has been written out of the equation. There has only ever been one real choice.
Always, The Chairman
And I address you as such because you are investing perhaps your most valuable commodity -- time -- to sample here what we have deemed fit for your consumption. No small consideration when frivolous dispensation of your time is one of the leading causes of Total Quantitative Faculty Burnout, otherwise known as TQFB or Total Quim F-ing Blarney by the younger generation. This has been proven by our science officers, in double-blind studies vetted by (none other than) the great grand niece of Abraham Maslow. TQFB, if left untreated, will cause long term bouts of catatonia and/or dementia and/or the purchasing and, inevitably, the playing of -- Sweet sister Mary Mother of God say it ain't so! -- the deluxe Pat Sajak home version of 'Wheel of Fortune.'
TQR staff are dedicated to helping you avoid this sinister fate or similar debilitations (random digital mucous extraction and clandestine mucous consumption and obsessive thumb rotation leading to repetitive twiddling disorder, etc, and so on) by endeavoring to ensure your time is only invested in the very finest of capital gains. 'Capital,' as we here at TQR reverently call it, in the form of stories. Though counterintuitive to the modern day idea of what constitutes capital, we see stories as the only form of currency that have consistently retained their value since the dawn of Man. And, (despite the invidious sway of the genus exampled by The Donald, Parasite Hiltonicus and the legion of other pop culture planaria that have lately invaded the collective consciousness of society at large) we are confident, that even up into this present day there is still that small, certain voice crying out for the effervescent catharsis only the finest of stories can bruit to bloom within the heart.
Stories like the first Papa, Og, grunted around the cave fire before the hunt, from which they knew some of them would not return; like Homer told of gods and men and the tragic consequences of the one confusing themselves for the other; like Mallory translated onto debtor's parchment from half-remembered myths and chanson de geste of knights and dragons and damsels in distress, as he languished inside the walls of prison; like Hemingway of his heroic submarine countermeasures aboard the stout Pilar in the deepest blue waters off the coast of Cuba, that he would peck onto stiff typewriter keys the next morning, despite the heaviness of his hungover brain.
From oral tradition passed down each generation, then scored into stone, stylized onto paper and finally pixellated onto a screen, the evolution of how stories are told and received has changed with the changing technologies. Yet, today, even though the Web reaches into more homes than there were citizens of Rome at its height of glory, electronic publishing has not yet fully embraced the story. It is TQR's solemn mission to see this change.
Through layouts that eschew the confounding scroll downs that are the bane of anyone who's ever tried to read on the Web, TQR proposes to mimic the experience of reading from a paper page -- while the text is still displayed on screen -- that the need for a printer and sheaf of papers will be gradually weaned from the habituary glands of its investors, and eventually forgotten. By this process, TQR will optimize the unlimited potential audience available on the Web, not to mention save some trees.
Lastly, TQR believes the best investments are those whose capital gains are mature and long term. The single-paragraph shorts seemingly invading every e-pub do not excite the investment managers at TQR. The material glut precludes the possibility of expanding markets, owing to the fact the saturation point was reached sometime back in 2001. TQR has faith the implementation of its page-by-page layout system -- wherein the page numbering systems make it simple to log out of a story and return to it hours, days or even weeks later and start exactly where you stopped reading -- will naturally liberate people from this pointless conditioned response. They also have faith in the superior quality of the fiction their capital managers will liberate from the slush heaps of history.
Verily, it is TQR's aim to publish stories of no more than 12,000 words and no less than 4,000. While this is, indeed, hubris intended to prove the page-by-page layout capable of holding an investor's attention over the long haul, it is also in response to the dearth of anything longer than 4,000 words on the Web. The market for the long story on today's Internet is wide open and is, in essence, a virgin ripe for the pillaging, and one the managers at TQR -- if you will pardon the redundancy -- plan to plumb to its deepest and most subterranean depths.
If you invest in TQR once, it is management's sincere belief that you will no longer continue to invest because you want to, but because you have to. The choice will no longer be yours. This investment will become a compulsion you will never again be able to willfully control. TQR has planted an anomaly in the elegant avenues of the Information Super Highway, a merciless and benign cancer that has already begun to metastasize and make crooked what the once impervious gods in the machine had originally made straight. Chance has been written out of the equation. There has only ever been one real choice.
Always, The Chairman
posted by Theodore Q. Rorschalk at 9:11 PM
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