Friday, November 25, 2005

Point of Order Protocols (POOP) memo

Today, I alerted staff of the need for some serviceable modus operandi for official TQR meetings via the Conference Room. Simply put, it's all about Poo'ing. The moderator calls on a certain staff member to make a point or case for capital or whatever, and the staff member proceeds to do so. The only way somebody -- other than the persona the mod has designated as the speaker -- is to type Point of Order, or Poo for short. The poo member then must be called on by the mod or the persona speaking (typing, really) before they can make their point. In this way we will reduce extraneous musings and the like, and get to the meat of things better. Although, rules are to be broken. Even so, this may alert those prone to making merry to wisely hone their rule-breaking prowess to a splitting-hair edge.

Sincerely, The Tedster

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

'Wild at Heart' Awarded 1st Floor Pass

Last night, (Nov 22nd) there was a meeting of the Floor to battle it out to see which of their 3 capital-gain hopefuls would get to bypass the rigors of the Terminal and the two department heads and be delivered directly into my hands. I have edited the transcript somewhat, seeing as how it took them some time to cut the grabass and get down to bidness. We'll start ... here:

[23:40 ronraygun] ok..all you all shut up..this here meering is in order
[23:40 ronraygun] who here is defending capital? huh?
[23:40 deplancher] There is no protocol. Except no mean stuff. To the VCs.
[23:40 doomey] oh screw yer
[23:40 doomey] suck a nut, 'gun
[23:40 prickly] It's funny to read these conversations way after they've happened.
[23:41 deplancher] I am a defender. A soldier of les capitales.
[23:41 prickly] What the fuck are VCs? Vite Congs?
[23:41 ronraygun] anarchist dog!
[23:41 prickly] Viet, I mean.
[23:41 deplancher] But I have no shoes.
[23:41 doomey] i invited my VC
[23:41 prickly] Guilty as charged.
[23:41 deplancher] Nyet.
[23:41 ronraygun] venture captialists..submitting authors to the squares
[23:42 deplancher] Venture Capitalists, prickly.
[23:42 doomey] guess i gave too little notice
[23:42 doomey] or he is scared
[23:42 deplancher] No, it's ok.
[23:42 ronraygun] ok..french speaker..state your case
[23:42 deplancher] I read everything. So did prickly, d'accord, edith?
[23:42 prickly] Oh god, doomey invited his VC?
[23:43 deplancher] Well, the cap I presented is...
[23:43 doomey] i did
[23:43 prickly] I loved his (her?) story, though. It is fucking fab.
[23:43 doomey] DeP
[23:43 doomey] DePDeP
[23:43 deplancher] literate. There is a plot.
[23:43 deplancher] What? What?
[23:43 doomey] wait
[23:43 doomey] hold on
[23:44 deplancher] k
[23:44 doomey] poolet's talk straight
[23:44 deplancher] I will go for a walk?
[23:44 doomey] i meant
[23:44 doomey] poolet's talk straight
[23:44 doomey] hah
[23:44 deplancher] poolet? chicken
[23:44 doomey] about stories
[23:44 doomey] screw the capital crap
[23:44 doomey] let's act let we be terminali
[23:44 prickly] All thebig-mouthed chicks need to shut up.
[23:44 deplancher] ok
[23:45 deplancher] who has this big mouth?
[23:45 deplancher] who has this big mouth?
[23:45 ronraygun] damn! point to prickly
[23:45 lafloor] hey! I'm a terminali! should I not be here?
[23:45 doomey] hah
[23:45 prickly] moi
[23:45 doomey] that me laugh
[23:45 doomey] nobe here now lafloor
[23:45 deplancher] The thing is, ron, doomey, popeye, edith, guy et al.
[23:45 doomey] god
[23:45 doomey] i can not fucking type worth a shit
[23:46 deplancher] The thing is the story I presented.
[23:46 prickly] Yah. We love Guy LaFloor. He has the BEST name.
[23:46 prickly] O-tay! Someone tawk about their story!
[23:46 ronraygun] dep..did the story make you jump up and down?
[23:46 lafloor] He does. Even I'm jealous of his name
[23:46 ronraygun] yes or no and why?
[23:46 deplancher] Has a plot that can be followed from beginning to end. It has characters like 'Anger'/
[23:47 ronraygun] character's name is anger?
[23:47 deplancher] Can you just picture a guy named Anger?
[23:47 deplancher] What does he look like?
[23:47 doomey] 'gun didn't read the story
[23:47 lafloor] I think of ANgus young immediately
[23:47 prickly] The name Johnny Anger stopped me at first. I'm like, No fuckng way. But the character totally grows on you.
[23:47 ronraygun] doomey...hush or it's the leeches for you
[23:47 deplancher] But ron, I don't jump up and down. For anything but the basketball
[23:48 doomey] Johnny Anger is the stupidest name i's ever seen, sister!
[23:48 deplancher] I know. But Johnny don't play no Back in Black.
[23:48 prickly] It's awful! I cringed!
[23:48 prickly] But!
[23:48 doomey] yeah yeah
[23:48 deplancher] Doomey! That is negative poetry you are writing...
[23:48 ronraygun] dep lemme ask you this. this stor..captial..readers going to dig it?
[23:48 prickly] The story is an old-fashioned detective story.
[23:48 deplancher] The initials are JA
[23:49 deplancher] HOw can you dis that? Ja...
[23:49 deplancher] Yes, it did read a little like a television script
[23:49 prickly] The story sort of knows it's corny.
[23:49 doomey] hammett
[23:49 prickly] It doesn't pretend to be original.
[23:49 doomey] it has it's moments
[23:49 deplancher] Some readers. Conventional ones who want possibly predictable outcomes.
[23:50 doomey] be it has its non-moments
[23:50 prickly] It has some good dialogue, though.
[23:50 deplancher] no, it is what it is. LIke a yellow dog.
[23:50 ronraygun] ah..but is it self-referential pomo pretention or does this thing got legs?
[23:50 deplancher] well, what did you think?
[23:50 prickly] Like, when Anger plugs a guy (just grazes him), the guy says, "You killed me, motha-fuck." I LOVED THAT.
[23:51 ronraygun] i am a fan of that
[23:51 deplancher] Well, yeah. The dialogue, I thought, was quite good. Not stilted.
[23:51 prickly] What kind of legs is it supposed to have?
[23:51 prickly] Sexy pins?
[23:51 prickly] Sexy pins?
[23:52 ronraygun] prickly substance in addition to style
[23:52 deplancher] Although possibly things work out with a little too easily.
[23:52 ronraygun] gams for miles
[23:52 doomey] i dug the line about the humidity mugging Anger
[23:52 prickly] Oh, yeah, they definitely do. But I loved that about it.
[23:52 doomey] but i hated the pimp twins
[23:52 doomey] hated them
[23:53 doomey] like maybe i have an issue with pimp twins
[23:53 doomey] i should look into that
[23:53 deplancher] Yeah. I just thought it was a decent read, even if not breaking any barriers.
[23:53 doomey] yeah, the plot was too easy
[23:53 deplancher] Well, but the description of the stink of the dead fella worked.
[23:53 doomey] resolution was too easy
[23:54 deplancher] Maybe not enough meat.
[23:54 doomey] the author calls his/herself G.C.
[23:54 doomey] i can't stand that shit
[23:54 deplancher] That means General Captain
[23:54 prickly] I know him. He's adorable.
[23:55 deplancher] what shit, Doomey
[23:55 deplancher] How does that [initials] affect the story, Doomey?
[23:55 doomey] sorry 'gun
[23:55 doomey] it does
[23:55 doomey] mean General Captain?
[23:55 doomey] hah!
[23:55 doomey] are you serious?
[23:55 deplancher] This isn't perthonal.
[23:55 prickly] No!
[23:55 doomey] oh
[23:56 doomey] i begto differ
[23:56 prickly] It's a real guy's name.
[23:56 deplancher] Yes, of course it does. Just like BD means Boligard Doomey.
[23:56 doomey] this is all very personal
[23:56 doomey] don't call me BD
[23:56 deplancher] Well, I don't know if we're talking about reality here.
[23:56 doomey] what guy name starts with G?
[23:56 prickly] Do you prefer Boli?
[23:56 ronraygun] for the record, my initials are my name.
[23:56 doomey] reality?!
[23:56 prickly] Gerard.
[23:57 doomey] nowe are not talking about reality!
[23:57 ronraygun] Gary. Gerrold
[23:57 lafloor] Gerald, Gerard
[23:57 deplancher] Are you in reality? Or in a pink room full of people who are talking about some stories they read
[23:57 doomey] 'tis fiction, dearheart
[23:57 lafloor] Gerhardt
[23:57 prickly] I'm kind of lost.
[23:57 deplancher] fiction faction.
[23:57 prickly] Of course, that's not unusual.
[23:57 doomey] the walls are sort of pink
[23:57 doomey] i wasn't going to say anything
[23:58 deplancher] It's a creation. I painted it.
[23:58 lafloor] Godzilla. That would be pretentious
[23:58 deplancher] Well, don't get mean, Doomey.
[23:58 prickly] Ooookay, shall we move on to the next story?
[23:58 lafloor] But i'd publish someone who had the balls to call themselves Godzilla of fiction
[23:58 doomey] but... but
[23:58 ronraygun] OK..meta-jumble aside..good story, yeah? doomey what about yours?
[23:58 doomey] what do we think of this story?
[23:59 doomey] okay
[23:59 deplancher] Ok. So wants to talk about the stories we done read? 'member?
[23:59 doomey] my story
[23:59 doomey] mr. denny wrote a kickass story
[23:59 ronraygun] prickly, feel free to smack the hands of those getting outta control here. booze warped monkeys, they are
[23:59 doomey] and i think we should really hand it
[23:59 doomey] up to theo
[23:59 doomey] done
[00:00 deplancher] Was it the....eating one?
[00:00 doomey] no wait
[00:00 ronraygun] i did read that one. i liked it but the repitition got old in a few spots
[00:00 doomey] it was the werewolf one
[00:00 lafloor] I gotta go to sleep now. Thanks for having me and getting me acclimated to the process here, yo
[00:00 doomey] the girl that turns into a wolf?
[00:00 deplancher] This thing is so slow. Are my hands sluggish or..?
[00:00 doomey] but it was a love story
[00:00 deplancher] Yeah, it scared me.
[00:00 ronraygun] nice seeing ya, lafloor
[00:01 doomey] dig?
[00:01 prickly] Bye, Guy!
[00:01 doomey] too slow, the typing is mega-warped
[00:01 deplancher] You mean it was metaphorical, Doomey? She ate
[00:01 doomey] bye, lafloor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[00:01 prickly] Doomey's story was the best, hands down.
[00:01 deplancher] her boyfriend?
[00:01 doomey] no
[00:01 doomey] it was a monster tale
[00:01 deplancher] c ya, lafloor
[00:01 doomey] but it was a coming-of-age story
[00:01 doomey] and a love story
[00:02 ronraygun] being a fan of monsters, i did really like it
[00:02 doomey] and a dealing-with-one's self story
[00:02 doomey] it dealt with a lot of stuff
[00:02 deplancher] Oh. Deep.
[00:02 prickly] Absotootley. Very psychological.
[00:02 deplancher] Yes, I liked it quite a lot really.
[00:02 doomey] the scene where she loses touch with her lover
[00:02 doomey] sees flesh and blood over love
[00:02 deplancher] I liked it the best.
[00:03 doomey] there we go
[00:03 doomey] "liked it the best" -DeP
[00:03 ronraygun] well, that tilts the vote away from mine
[00:04 prickly] Take that to the bank, baby.
[00:04 prickly] Oh! But let's discuss it.
[00:04 doomey] yes it does, 'gun
[00:05 doomey] go 'gun
[00:05 deplancher] Well. We are discussing these things.
[00:05 ronraygun] mine was like an action movie. fun, not deep..and face it...
[00:05 prickly] Yeah, gun, go.
[00:05 deplancher] It's not up to me. I shoulda shut-up maybe until...
[00:05 ronraygun] no matter if you're so egg-headed you smell like an omelette..you like fun
[00:05 doomey] go 'gunno no
[00:06 doomey] we will discuss 'gun's
[00:06 ronraygun] fun mihgt be a nice...sorbet frim all the thinky
[00:06 doomey] say again
[00:06 deplancher] What's the trail of
[00:07 ronraygun] the only drawback is the story went into "tell not show" a little too often in places
[00:07 doomey] which story?
[00:07 deplancher] Well, it was interesting but like all one long scene in a way
[00:07 doomey] and "tell not show" is a fickle concept
[00:08 ronraygun] that would be the one called slayground
[00:08 doomey] we talking about Slayground?
[00:08 doomey] oh
[00:08 prickly] I'm with ya there, Doomey.
[00:08 doomey] hahsorry
[00:08 prickly] Slyaground is like a video game.
[00:08 prickly] In fact, there probably is an actual game like that one.
[00:08 deplancher] set up, pursuit, struggle, conquer, unsettled resolve
[00:09 doomey] i dug the present tense
[00:09 ronraygun] tell can be ok, if it's important to the story. sometimes this author told things that could have been shown or left out
[00:09 prickly] But that's not necessarity bad!
[00:09 doomey] on edge, sister
[00:09 deplancher] leaves room for sequel or offshoot
[00:09 doomey] all the way
[00:09 prickly] That writr is a natural-born screenwriter.
[00:09 deplancher] did you get a sense of the characters?
[00:09 prickly] I loved all the British slang, too.
[00:09 deplancher] What did Pirate look like?
[00:09 prickly] And the spellings. Like "kerb."
[00:09 doomey] i did not dig the Robo Cop villian
[00:10 deplancher] Yeah, I like 'bonnets'
[00:10 doomey] dug the british lingo
[00:10 ronraygun] i thought the story was less about characters than it was about the acion
[00:10 prickly] Right on, RR.
[00:10 deplancher] Well, not that it's slang, bonnets, I mean.
[00:10 doomey] "new sweat" typed too often
[00:10 ronraygun] action even
[00:10 prickly] I know. I loved that.
[00:10 doomey] what's "stomach turning to water" mean?
[00:11 prickly] The guy isn't a wordmeister, OK?
[00:11 deplancher] that thing that Chris Farley does in the scene where he's trying out for Chip 'n Dale's
[00:11 doomey] but the pace was kickass
[00:11 prickly] But he can spin a tale.
[00:11 prickly] And he's been watching some movies.
[00:11 deplancher] doing the water stomach
[00:11 doomey] hah
[00:11 doomey] chip'n'dales
[00:11 doomey] hahhahhah
[00:11 doomey] oh christ that was funny, DeP
[00:11 prickly] Excellent pacing.
[00:12 deplancher] I like the ending
[00:12 deplancher] thank you, Doo
[00:12 deplancher] you know the one, don't you?
[00:12 ronraygun] like i said. it was junk food..but in a good way.
[00:12 doomey] yeah
[00:12 deplancher] Junk food is valid. Even necessary.
[00:13 doomey] serious pace
[00:13 doomey] it was a page turner for sure
[00:13 deplancher] To return your words, ron: did it make you jump up and down?
[00:13 prickly] It's kind of up to the higher-ups. What kind of story mix do they want?
[00:13 doomey] good thing is that all of these go to the Terminal
[00:13 ronraygun] that's why i held it back. if pressed, i'd say wild at heart was superior as far as writing and craft goes
[00:13 deplancher] Yes. They are all worthy.
[00:14 ronraygun] \dep: i spend a lot of time with smarty pants books..so yeah..i liked the break it brought
[00:14 doomey] There was a buzzing sound of something small hitting something hot.
[00:14 deplancher] We are privileged to read this stuff by such writers.
[00:14 doomey] 'gun
[00:14 doomey] that was not private
[00:14 deplancher] Yes, I hear that, Ron. I too am surrounded by the smartpants.
[00:15 ronraygun]
[00:15 doomey] hah
[00:15 deplancher] Heads need a break.
[00:15 doomey] i am wearing smartpants right now
[00:15 deplancher] He is proud of it even, Doomey.
[00:15 deplancher] High ones, Doo?
[00:16 doomey] weirdwhat high ones?
[00:16 deplancher] You know what I said....
[00:16 doomey] well
[00:16 deplancher] Teddy is in the rafters.
[00:16 doomey] we need to decide
[00:16 doomey] which one will it be
[00:16 doomey] just like sting said
[00:16 deplancher] Yes. Ron. You boss-man, wave the feather.
[00:17 doomey] in that movie
[00:17 ronraygun] ok..so we vote. i go with wild at heart
[00:17 deplancher] We bow our heads in solace.
[00:17 doomey] i vote for wild at heart
[00:17 ronraygun] yes bow your heads and pretend to be serious
[00:17 doomey] wait
[00:17 doomey] i am seriousaren't we supposed to be serious
[00:18 deplancher] I am voting now. And I am serious about it too.
[00:18 doomey] damni thought we were supposed to be serious
[00:18 doomey] i'm not serious?
[00:18 doomey] hold on
[00:18 prickly] Are you and DeP dating????
[00:18 doomey] i gotta figure out if i'm serious or not
[00:18 deplancher] I am always serious. That's why my name is Mike.
[00:18 deplancher] Non!
[00:19 doomey] neit!
[00:19 doomey] a vote
[00:19 deplancher] I thought I was somewhere else. Sorry.
[00:19 ronraygun] yes. we are all serious and sober people.
[00:19 doomey] my knigdom for a vote
[00:19 ronraygun] oh yeah. dep..vote
[00:19 doomey] sober
[00:19 deplancher] I am not somber!
[00:19 doomey] me either
[00:19 deplancher] It's coming but it is no surprise.
[00:19 deplancher] Doomey.
[00:20 doomey] two votes for Wild
[00:20 deplancher] I think it is the beast girl that haunts me.
[00:20 deplancher] I'm for the Wild One. Although I am not.
[00:20 doomey] three votes for Wild
[00:20 doomey] kick ass
[00:20 doomey] Mr. Denny will be proud
[00:20 deplancher] Wild, I mean.
[00:20 ronraygun] must be freezing in hades. we all agree on something?
[00:20 deplancher] where is prick-lee?
[00:21 prickly] im here. im just watching you people.
[00:21 deplancher] did you see on the thing that we are 4 'chatters'!!!
[00:21 doomey] we be strange people
[00:21 deplancher] I am not a 'chatter'!
[00:21 doomey] never before
[00:21 doomey] have webeen
[00:21 doomey] 4
[00:22 deplancher] we wing some too.
[00:22 doomey] slow chat though
[00:22 deplancher] dis is duh record.
[00:22 doomey] servers is about to explode
[00:22 deplancher] slow rap doe chattin'
[00:22 ronraygun] the it is decided (enter heavenly chorus) we send up wild at heart
[00:22 doomey] i hear a ticking
[00:22 prickly] hey, ron?
[00:22 deplancher] wot will happen then, Doomey?
[00:23 doomey] yes
[00:23 ronraygun] yes, prickly?
[00:23 doomey] it has been decided
[00:23 deplancher] there she is! She was havin' a nap or studyin'.
[00:23 deplancher] is it the chicken timer?
[00:23 deplancher] I don't like the sound of that ding.
[00:23 doomey] who will copy this?
[00:24 ronraygun] i'll copy it
[00:24 doomey] and paste it on TQR?
[00:24 deplancher] Ron, do you have a gavel or something? To make it official being a decision has [almost] been reached?
[00:24 doomey] 'gun
[00:24 deplancher] you are a good boy.
[00:24 doomey] you are so fucking cool, man
[00:24 ronraygun] wait wait wait..prickly's terminali or floor?
[00:25 prickly] im da floor
[00:25 doomey] it has been decided!
[00:25 ronraygun] do you have a story fer us prickly?
[00:25 doomey] prickly is so Floor
[00:25 doomey] DePwaz up
[00:25 deplancher] She read them all.
[00:25 doomey] duh
[00:26 doomey] yeahDeP
[00:26 doomey] you crazy
[00:26 prickly] i don't have a story. I'm sorry. I passed up my good story to the Terminal.
[00:26 prickly] I'll save my good un next time.
[00:26 deplancher] wot mean?
[00:26 doomey] you guys getting that red flashing message?
[00:26 prickly] But I do want to tell you that...
[00:26 deplancher] the one that says 'get out while you can'?
[00:26 doomey] i think we're all gonna friggin' die!
[00:26 ronraygun] s'alright. this whole thing is kind of weird.
[00:26 prickly] my story is about people turning into animals, too
[00:27 ronraygun] hmmm. that's ok by me
[00:27 deplancher] people turn into animals? We start out this way. Animals to animals.
[00:27 doomey] you've a story?
[00:27 deplancher] It makes sense, yes, prickly one.
[00:27 ronraygun] ok..i'm pronouncing this patient dead. all hail wild at heart

Weekly Update from the Chair

Trying Times
Dear Investors,

This day of our Lord, Nov. 22, 2005, finds TQR foundering off the coast of credibility. Though I am confident we will soon right our ship. Yesterday, due to a server crash, the site disenfranchised 50 odd investors who may or may not want to ever invest with TQR again. My correspondence with one Sandeep of HostedToday went something like this:

TQR: Damn you Indian Techies! What the hell is my site going to be worth if 50 investors cannot view it at the same time?

Sandeep: Please to forgive us your frustrations. But blah blah, critical server, backlog, weapons cache clearing ... blah blah blah...

Anywhat, the site is working again. The server is clunky and outsourced. It is almost a certainty that HostedToday will be replaced by something stateside here sooner than later, but I am currently overtaxed w/care and too lazy to undertake the task right now.

A meeting tonight twixt the Floor personnel should goose our returns and market standing somewhat. The combatants will be fighting tooth and nail to see whose story will be sent up directly into my perspiring, diminuitive digits. Seeing as how they are starting with three works of possible capital gain, it should be a rollicking debate. Ad hominem hominen hominem attacks are not discouraged.

Again, I apologize to our investors for the site's inability to handle more than a handful of you at a time. Sandeep assures me the problem was not too many viewers that overloaded our circuits, but some possible malignant guerrilla spammers or the like. Sure thing. I believe them mucho. What else can I do right now? God's speed to you all in your assorted ventures.

Sincerely, TQR

Monday, November 21, 2005

This Server Sucks!

HOSTEDTODAY CAN KISS MY ASS

The site got some traffic (56 viewers at once) and the friggin' site can't handle it. The Terminal starts going good, and, wouldn't you know it, the server hosting TQR is a clinker and a half. So I e-mail them at HostedToday, and get a lame ass:

Hello,

The server load is bit high and is causing the slow connection.We will update you soon.

Regards,Sandeep
Technical Support

Outsourced Sandeep? Fine. But can you fix the site to where 50 damn viewers isn't cause for a crash? Christ! The idea is to build a viewer base, not alienate them. If the site can't accommodate more than 10 viewers at a time, TQR is not going to grow, but atrophy like my overtaxed patience. What is the HostedToday thinking? I just feel totally screwed and taken advantage of. Why the hell did I spend my money with them when it sounds like I could have spent the same amount and gotten way better load capacity of whatever it's called by using aol or some other company. Anyhow. Here is Sandeep's follow up e-mail:

Hello,

Sorry for the inconvenience caused to you. Your domains and mails are working fine now. The DNS service was critical in the server for some time as there were too many connection attempt to the server. We have now running scripts in the server to find out the IP is which is accessing too many connections and to prevent service going critical. We have also disabled some services which are no longer needed in the server. Please verify this after clearing your browser cache.

Regards,Sandeep
Technical Support

The 'Runaround' is distinguishable, no matter what dialect it is given to you in. Fifty six connections at once is too many?! And how the hell do I clear my server cache? What in the hell is a server cache in the first place? That's what I'm paying you guys for isn't it? Sheesh.

I've heard changing hosts or servers or whatever is a real cluster-you-know-what. But do I have any other choice? It's been a very bad Monday.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

report from the outside 1.2

foggy and thick. can't lift my shoes off the sidewalk, just kind of slide them along. lungs are full of some sort of fluid, must find a pack of cigarettes. the buildings are leaning in over me as i slide along, the haze is being pushed out, all brick overhead, brick and glass and steel. there's nobody on the street. somewhere around here is the TQR building. must... find... TQR.